The most common thing I hear in my work when a breakup happens is “I don’t really miss them, I just miss the connection”. 

We’re human, and mixed emotions are common after a breakup. Grief doesn’t follow a path. Here's the truth about the aftermath of a breakup: it's not always about longing for the person themselves but rather mourning the loss of the relationship itself.

Mixed Feelings are Normal

When you break up with someone because they weren’t good to you or good for you, it’s easy to assume that you’ve washed your hands, have moved on, and that’s that. I commonly see this line of thought happening to individuals, but then they tell me they simultaneously feel as if they do miss the person and they’re confused as to why. They've made the decision to end a relationship because it was toxic or unhealthy, yet they find themselves faced with unexpected feelings of sadness and longing. Some feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that they miss someone who caused them pain. They fear judgment from others, worried that their emotions will be misconstrued as weakness or that they made a mistake.

This is a myth our brain likes to tell us. These feelings stem from a deeper place within us, a place that craves connection and stability. It is rare to be completely fine after a breakup (even when you were the one ending it and for good reason) unless you have already grieved the end of the relationship before it was officially over. A relationship didn’t just end. So did a friendship. If you were with this person for 3 months or 3 years, you most likely spent all of your free time together. You had a companionship, a constant routine, and shared experiences with this person. You invested time, energy, and emotion into building something with that person and it's okay to grieve its loss. 

Sometimes its’s the Friendship We Miss, Not the Romance. And That’s Okay.

You may not necessarily be grieving the loss of this person. If they’ve hurt you, you probably never want to see them again and you may even feel lighter and freer without them. Simultaneously, you can miss the structured friendship you had and the times that were good. Most of us hate change, even if it’s a good change. It’s different to no longer have this person in your life, and it’s okay for that to feel weird and scary. It takes time to adjust to the absence of that dynamic in your life. It’s not weird, shameful, or bad to feel this way. You’re allowed to be sad and to grieve the past even when you know the future will be better. 

Even if that person hurt us, it's natural to mourn the loss of the familiarity and comfort that the relationship provided. We may find ourselves thinking about the good times. It's not a betrayal of your decision to move on. Rather, it's a reflection of your humanity. As a human, you’re going to have emotions that dip and dive and steady out, which is normal. 

When Others Judgement Gets in the Way

What can also feel hard is if your friends and family are talking poorly about your ex partner and you find it difficult to join in. You may be asking yourself why it’s so hard to hear others speak about them this way or why you aren’t also angry with them if they hurt you in the past. This is another odd but completely normal thought to have. I’ve seen people going through divorces where the other partner cheated and everyone sits around talking poorly about the ex partner, but the one who was cheated on hates it. It’s hard to talk poorly about someone if you still miss their companionship, which can feel confusing. 

It's important to remember that grieving the end of a relationship does not negate the validity of your decision to leave. It's possible to acknowledge that someone wasn't right for us while still honoring the emotions that come from the loss. We’re allowed to feel sad, confused, or even conflicted.

Your Feelings are Valid

If you find yourself overwhelmed or confused with emotions after a breakup, know that you're not alone in your grief. It's okay to miss the connection you had with someone, even if you don't miss the person themselves. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up and trust that with time, healing will come. You are stronger than you know, and you deserve to find happiness and fulfillment in relationships that uplift and support you.

Looking for Support in Your Grief After a Breakup?

I’m Kate, and I offer virtual EMDR Therapy to residents of DC, VA, MD, and IN to help reduce the intensity of emotions, thoughts, and negative beliefs you may hold about yourself after a loss. Contact me at rrrcounseling.info@gmail.com or at 765-432-5496 to schedule an appointment.

Kate Regnier, LMSW, LCSW, LICSW

https://www.regnierrestorativecounseling.com/