The holidays: a time for joy, celebration, and connection… and if you’re a people pleaser, maybe a little bit of quiet dread. While holiday gatherings can bring warmth and love, they often come with an undercurrent of tension. Whether it’s your uncle’s unsolicited political rants, your sibling’s passive-aggressive remarks, or your mom’s disappointed sighs, family conflict can feel magnified this time of year. If you’re someone who thrives on keeping the peace, you might find yourself bending over backward to keep everyone happy—at your own expense.

But what if this year could be different? In this post, I’ll share practical tips on how to handle family conflict during the holidays without sacrificing your boundaries, your energy, or your sanity. Let’s dive in.

1. Recognize Your People-Pleasing Tendencies

First things first, self-awareness is key. People pleasers tend to avoid conflict at all costs, sometimes putting others’ needs ahead of their own. While this trait stems from a place of kindness and empathy, it can also lead to resentment, exhaustion, and feeling invisible.

Before your family gathering, take a moment to reflect:

• What situations or topics tend to trigger you most?

• How do you typically respond? Do you over-apologize, agree when you don’t want to, or try to fix problems that aren’t yours to fix?

• How does this make you feel afterward?

Simply acknowledging your patterns is the first step toward handling conflict differently.

2. Prepare Your Boundaries Ahead of Time

Boundaries are a lifeline for people pleasers, especially during family gatherings. They protect your emotional well-being while still allowing you to show up with kindness and love.

Before the holidays, decide where you draw the line. For example:

• Topics off-limits: If you know certain subjects (politics, parenting, your love life) are triggering, prepare a polite but firm response like, “I’d prefer not to get into that today” or “Let’s keep it light and enjoy our time together.”

• How much you’re willing to do: If you always say “yes” to cooking, cleaning, and hosting, allow yourself to say “no” or delegate some responsibilities.

• When to walk away: If a conversation starts feeling toxic or uncomfortable, it’s okay to excuse yourself. A quick, “I’m going to grab some air” or “I need to refill my drink” can give you space to reset.

Remember, setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re selfish—it means you value your well-being.

3. Don’t Try to Fix Everything

As a people pleaser, you may feel a responsibility to mediate family tension or smooth over awkward moments. But here’s the truth: it’s not your job to fix everything or everyone.

When conflict arises:

• Take a deep breath before jumping in.

• Ask yourself: Is this my problem to solve? Often, the answer is no.

• Instead of trying to change others’ behavior, focus on how you can respond calmly and protect your peace.

It’s okay to let others disagree, be upset, or deal with their own emotions. You don’t need to carry the emotional weight for everyone in the room.

4. Have a Go-To Exit Strategy

Sometimes, family dynamics become too overwhelming. That’s when having a prepared exit strategy comes in handy.

• Plan for an early departure if you need one. You can say something like, “I’m so glad I got to see everyone, but I need to head out early.”

• Create small breaks within the gathering. Step outside for fresh air, offer to help with dishes in the kitchen, or escape to a quieter part of the house.

Having an escape plan gives you the confidence to prioritize your needs without guilt.

5. Practice Neutral Responses to Conflict

Not every comment or conflict requires you to engage. Sometimes, the best approach is staying neutral.

For example:

• If someone makes a snide remark, respond with, “Interesting perspective.” (And leave it at that.)

• If a family debate gets heated, try changing the subject: “Hey, who’s excited for dessert?”

• When someone pushes your buttons, remind yourself: Their words are about them, not you.

By staying calm and neutral, you avoid getting pulled into drama.

6. Prioritize Self-Care Before and After

Family gatherings can drain your energy, especially when you’re trying to please everyone. That’s why prioritizing self-care before and after is essential.

Before the event:

• Get plenty of sleep.

• Do something that grounds you, like journaling, meditating, or exercising.

• Remind yourself of your boundaries and affirm that it’s okay to prioritize your peace.

After the event:

• Give yourself permission to decompress.

• Reflect on what went well and where you could adjust next time.

• Do something that refills your cup—whether it’s watching a favorite movie, taking a long bath, or spending quiet time alone.

7. Let Go of Perfection and Guilt

 As a people pleaser, you might feel guilty for setting boundaries, saying “no,” or not being able to keep the peace 100% of the time. But here’s a reminder: you’re not responsible for everyone’s happiness.

Family gatherings don’t need to be perfect. It’s okay if there are awkward moments, disagreements, or unmet expectations. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.

Final Thoughts

Handling family conflict as a people pleaser is challenging, but it’s not impossible. By setting boundaries, managing your responses, and prioritizing self-care, you can navigate holiday gatherings with more confidence and peace.

This year, give yourself permission to enjoy the holidays without the pressure to make everyone else happy. You deserve a season filled with joy, warmth, and most importantly—inner calm.

I’m Kate Regnier, owner and therapist at Regnier Restorative Counseling, and I’m an EMDR Therapist and LCSW who works with adults who are stuck people pleasing and are looking to break the cycle. I’m a fully virtual therapist who sees clients in NOVA and the following states: MD, DC, VA, MI & IN. 

Contact me through my website or by email at rrcounseling.info@gmail.com

Disclaimer* The content provided in this blog is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. While I strive to ensure the accuracy of the information shared, I cannot guarantee that all information is current or correct. Readers are advised to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before making any decisions based on this post.