What Does Shame Do to a Person? The Link Between Shame and People Pleasing
Shame is a powerful emotion that can deeply affect how we see ourselves and interact with the world. For many in Northern Virginia (NOVA), shame may often tie into people-pleasing behaviors and negative self-talk. At Regnier Restorative Counseling, we explore the roots of shame and help clients develop self-compassion to break free from these patterns.
Understanding Shame and Its Impact
When beginning therapy, one of the first questions I ask clients is how they identify their negative self-talk and where it stems from. As we uncover their history, we often discover shame as a central theme driving their struggles. Shame is one of the most common factors I encounter in therapy, especially among clients in NOVA.
Shame Creates Isolation
Shame keeps us stuck in feelings of inadequacy, creating a cycle of isolation and negative self-perception. It convinces us that we are inherently bad and undeserving of forgiveness or change. For many, shame is tied to a specific event—a moment they can vividly recall. For others, it’s a constant companion, deeply rooted in childhood or adolescence.
Clients often describe experiencing shame during pivotal developmental stages, such as adolescence, when self-awareness and comparison to others begin. Others trace it back to family dynamics, such as being the "calm and sturdy" child in a chaotic household. This role often receives praise, reinforcing the idea that they must always hold things together. Unfortunately, this ingrained behavior leads to discomfort when they try to set boundaries or express their needs as adults.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Healing Shame
Self-compassion is the antidote to shame, but it’s not always easy to practice. Many people may find the idea of self-compassion uncomfortable or even "icky." This discomfort often stems from fear—fear that being kind to themselves will make them less motivated or less accountable.
The Power of Perspective
When I ask clients how they would respond to a friend expressing similar negative self-talk, they often say they would show empathy and understanding. So why is it so hard to extend the same kindness to ourselves? Practicing self-compassion requires us to challenge the belief that shame is necessary for growth. In reality, shame leads to burnout, sadness, and isolation, while self-compassion fosters resilience and emotional well-being.
Why Self-Compassion Feels Unnatural
For many, being hard on themselves feels like a form of control or motivation. However, this approach often backfires, causing more harm than good. Fear and self-criticism may drive short-term productivity, but they also contribute to long-term anxiety, depression, and exhaustion. In Northern Virginia’s fast-paced environment, this cycle can feel relentless.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows us to break free from these patterns. It may feel foreign at first, but the benefits—reduced stress, improved mental health, and stronger relationships—are worth the discomfort.
Practical Steps to Develop Self-Compassion
Treat Yourself as a Friend When negative self-talk arises, ask yourself: "Would I say this to a friend?" Shifting your perspective can help you respond with kindness instead of criticism.
Visualize Yourself as a Child Imagine speaking to yourself as if you were a child. Would you hold a child to the same impossible standards? This exercise can help you soften your inner dialogue.
Start Small Self-compassion doesn’t have to be dramatic. Begin with small acts of kindness toward yourself, such as taking a break when you’re tired or acknowledging your efforts instead of focusing on perceived failures.
Why Shame and People Pleasing Go Hand in Hand
For many clients in Northern Virginia, shame can be closely linked to people-pleasing tendencies. When we base our self-worth on how much we can do for others, we often neglect our own needs. This pattern is reinforced by societal and familial expectations, making it difficult to break free. At Regnier Restorative Counseling, we use EMDR therapy and other techniques to help clients untangle these connections and build healthier, more balanced lives.
Try Something Different
Breaking free from shame and people-pleasing is not easy, but it’s possible. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working, it’s time to try something new. Practicing self-compassion may feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s a necessary step toward healing. By challenging shame and embracing kindness, you can begin to experience the peace and confidence you deserve.
If you’re ready to explore these changes, Regnier Restorative Counseling offers specialized support for clients in Northern Virginia. Our EMDR therapy can help you address the root causes of shame and develop lasting self-compassion. Contact us today to learn more and start your journey toward healing.
I’m Kate Regnier, owner and therapist at Regnier Restorative Counseling, and I’m an EMDR Therapist and LCSW who works with adults who are stuck people pleasing and are looking to break the cycle. I’m a fully virtual therapist who sees clients in the following states: MD, DC, VA, MI & IN.
Contact me through my website or by email at rrcounseling.info@gmail.com
Disclaimer* The content provided in this blog is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. While I strive to ensure the accuracy of the information shared, I cannot guarantee that all information is current or correct. Readers are advised to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before making any decisions based on this post.
