How to Know if You’re a People Pleaser and How it Could be Harming You
Are you feeling burnt out, constantly doubting yourself, and haunted by intrusive thoughts that say you’re the only one struggling? If so, you might be a people pleaser.
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing involves prioritizing the happiness and approval of others over your own needs and well-being. While it may seem harmless or even altruistic, it can take a negative turn when your self-worth depends on keeping others happy—often at your own expense.
For many, people pleasing stems from emotional childhood trauma or fears of abandonment. It’s not just about making others happy; it’s about avoiding conflict and seeking validation to feel safe and accepted. This constant need to please can leave people in Northern Virginia and beyond feeling unseen, scared, and emotionally drained.
If you suspect you’re a people pleaser, ask yourself:
What does it mean about me if someone is unhappy with me?
Do I feel anxious or guilty when I say no?
Understanding these patterns is the first step to breaking free and reclaiming your confidence.
Examples of People Pleasing
People pleasing can manifest in many ways. Here are some common examples:
Saying yes to requests because you fear rejection or anger if you say no.
Avoiding expressing your opinions and always agreeing with others, even when you disagree internally.
Feeling extreme guilt or anxiety if someone is upset with you, making it difficult to sleep or focus.
Apologizing excessively, even when you’re not at fault.
Laughing off hurtful comments or behaviors instead of addressing them.
Staying in harmful relationships or friendships because you’re afraid of conflict or losing the person.
Constantly feeling a nagging sense of guilt or believing you’re a bad person.
These behaviors can erode your self-esteem, strain your mental health, and make it harder to build authentic connections.
The Harm That Comes From People Pleasing
People pleasing often traps individuals in toxic relationships or situations. For example, I’ve worked with clients who stayed in draining relationships out of fear of upsetting someone—even when that person treated them poorly. This behavior is rooted in a lack of self-confidence and the belief that their needs don’t matter.
When you don’t believe you deserve kindness or respect, it becomes nearly impossible to set boundaries. This can lead to:
Chronic Anxiety and Burnout: The constant effort to meet others’ expectations takes a toll on your nervous system, often resulting in anxiety, panic attacks, or physical health issues.
Loss of Identity: Many people pleasers struggle to know who they are or what they truly want because they’ve spent so much time prioritizing others.
Negative Impact on Relationships: People pleasing doesn’t just harm you; it can affect your relationships with partners, friends, and even children. It can model unhealthy boundaries and behaviors for your loved ones.
For 22 years, I lived as a chronic people pleaser, unable to express my thoughts, needs, or desires. This mindset left me anxious and disconnected from myself. Through therapy, I’ve learned to prioritize my well-being, and I’ve helped many clients in Northern Virginia do the same.
Breaking Free from People Pleasing
Overcoming people pleasing isn’t easy, but it’s possible. Here are some steps to get started:
Start Saying No: Begin with small, manageable boundaries. For example, decline a request that feels overwhelming and notice how you feel afterward.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes and that your worth isn’t tied to others’ approval.
Seek Support: Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your fears, build confidence, and learn healthy boundary-setting skills.
Reflect on Your Values: Take time to identify what truly matters to you. This clarity can help you make decisions that align with your needs and priorities.
Challenge Negative Beliefs: Pay attention to thoughts like, “I’m a bad person if I disappoint someone.” Replace them with affirmations such as, “It’s okay to prioritize my well-being.”
How Therapy Can Help
At Regnier Restorative Counseling, we specialize in helping people pleasers in Northern Virginia break free from these patterns. Through EMDR therapy and other techniques, we address the root causes of people pleasing and build the confidence needed to set boundaries and embrace self-worth.
If you’re ready to stop feeling burnt out and start living authentically, contact us today to begin your journey toward healing. Together, we can help you find the balance and peace you deserve.
I’m Kate Regnier, owner and therapist at Regnier Restorative Counseling, and I’m an EMDR Therapist and LCSW who works with adults who are stuck people pleasing and are looking to break the cycle. I’m a fully virtual therapist who sees clients in the following states: MD, DC, VA, MI & IN.
Contact me through my website or by email at rrcounseling.info@gmail.com
Disclaimer* The content provided in this blog is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. While I strive to ensure the accuracy of the information shared, I cannot guarantee that all information is current or correct. Readers are advised to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before making any decisions based on this post.
