3 Ways People Pleasing Could be Affecting Your Kids
Kids naturally mimic what they see from those around them—especially their parents. As babies, children only have their caregivers as examples of how to interact with the world. They don’t yet have the emotional capacity to understand that their parents are imperfect humans with their own challenges. To a child, parents are their primary role models, and their behavior is often seen as “the right way.”
If you’re stuck in a peacekeeping or people-pleasing mentality, your children may be unknowingly adopting similar patterns. Even if you’re not overtly displaying people-pleasing behaviors, kids can sense your underlying stress or emotional dysregulation. Let’s explore three ways people-pleasing tendencies could affect your kids.
1. Basing Your Worth on Whether People Like You
People-pleasers often feel their self-worth plummet when someone is upset with them. Many people-pleasers grow up believing that conflict is not only bad but also a reflection of their inadequacy. This often leads to over-apologizing and scrambling to fix situations, regardless of the personal cost.
What this could be teaching your kids:
Conflict is bad.
I am responsible for other people’s emotions.
I must ensure that no one is ever mad at me.
When children see you tying your self-worth to how others perceive you, they may begin to internalize this same unhealthy pattern, believing that their value depends on keeping others happy.
2. Always Saying Yes, Even When You’re Exhausted
If you’re constantly saying “yes” to everything—whether it’s to friends, family, or work commitments—your kids are watching. While saying “yes” can sometimes come from a genuine desire to help, it’s important to ask yourself:
Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I feel guilty saying no?
Do I believe I’m still a good person even if I say no?
When you consistently say yes at the expense of your own well-being, your children may learn to deprioritize their own needs.
What this could be teaching your kids:
I don’t come first—ever.
My needs and energy are less important than making others happy.
Children who observe parents neglecting their own boundaries may struggle to advocate for themselves later in life.
3. Always Going with the Flow
While “going with the flow” has its time and place, it can become problematic when done to avoid confrontation or inconvenience others. Consistently suppressing your own desires can lead to losing touch with what you genuinely want or need.
Over time, this pattern may isolate you from your own preferences and make it harder to set boundaries. When you finally start saying “no” or expressing your thoughts (a positive change!), it can upset the dynamic others are used to, sometimes leading to resistance or conflict.
What this could be teaching your kids:
Having opinions, thoughts, or emotions is bad.
My wants don’t matter, and I should always prioritize others.
If children grow up believing their needs aren’t important, they might struggle to voice their desires or stand up for themselves in relationships, friendships, and the workplace.
Breaking the Cycle
People-pleasing is a learned behavior, and breaking free from it takes time, self-awareness, and often therapeutic support. By addressing your people-pleasing tendencies, you can create a healthier dynamic for yourself and model better emotional resilience and boundaries for your kids.
Steps to take:
Practice Saying No: Start small by setting boundaries in manageable situations.
Show Self-Compassion: Remind yourself (and your children) that it’s okay to make mistakes and prioritize your well-being.
Seek Therapy: Work with a professional to address the root causes of people-pleasing and build confidence in asserting your needs.
At Regnier Restorative Counseling in Northern Virginia, we specialize in helping adults overcome people-pleasing behaviors and create healthier relationships with themselves and their families. Through EMDR therapy and other approaches, we help clients process past experiences and build the tools they need to thrive.
You have the power to set a positive example for your kids by prioritizing your own well-being. Ready to take the first step? Contact us today to learn more.
I’m Kate Regnier, owner and therapist at Regnier Restorative Counseling, and I’m an EMDR Therapist and LCSW who works with adults who are stuck people pleasing and are looking to break the cycle. I’m a fully virtual therapist who sees clients in the following states: MD, DC, VA, MI & IN.
Contact me through my website or by email at rrcounseling.info@gmail.com
Disclaimer* The content provided in this blog is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. While I strive to ensure the accuracy of the information shared, I cannot guarantee that all information is current or correct. Readers are advised to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before making any decisions based on this post.
