When Choosing Yourself Feels Life Threatening
As a people pleaser, choosing yourself and tending to what you want and need can feel like you’re compromising your emotional safety. You may have been told and shown that you can be loved and validated as long as you sit back and stay quiet. But sometimes staying silent can mean you’re putting others' comfort before your own, and making this a constant habit can lead to suppressing your own wants and needs over time. You may be worried that when you give your opinion or say no when everyone else is saying yes, that you’ll be shut down with weird looks or scolded. Or maybe your voice won’t even be recognized by others at all.
This can become especially threatening emotionally if this was a common occurrence in your house as a child. An emotionally mature and secure parent will be excited and interested to hear their child's thoughts and learn about their emotions. But emotionally immature and insecure parents typically struggle with feeling and expressing their own emotions, which can make it difficult for them to understand and be comfortable with their own child’s emotional needs.
How One’s Childhood Home Affects their People Pleasing Behavior Today
This type of home may look like being scolded or shut down by a parent if you gave a different opinion, cried or laughed too much for the parents own comfort, or was told you were “too much” for asking for a basic need to be met. Maybe this didn’t happen frequently at home, but instead at school or from friends. These types of interactions can lead to being an adult who feels different and like they don’t belong, or that what they want or need is too much. Adults with this experience can also feel like they only get positive praise and validation when they go along with the flow and are always compliant with what others want.
As a child, you may have learned that keeping yourself quiet and following the rules at all times would lead to validation, worth, and love. This also means that you may have put yourself second much of the time. You may be seen as the friend who always offers to drive, or get in line to eat last, or jump in to take the least desirable path so others don’t have to. People pleasing can be so ingrained in us that we may break a bone or fall ill but continue to apologize to everyone else around us for how much we are inconveniencing them.
Are You Being Selfless or Are You Harming Yourself?
Sometimes, putting others first may just be an act of kindness. Other times, people do this because they don’t want to be seen as a problem or don’t want to be seen at all. “If I offer to take the short end of the stick, then I’ll be seen as selfless and easy going and no one will be able to think poorly of me, and then there’s no way I could be causing any issues”. For people pleasers, the thought of being seen as anything but good can cause your skin to crawl. This is because as a child, you may have been shown love and security only when you stayed behind and let others go first. Constantly keeping others happy equals love and connection.
As an adult, putting yourself first can feel scary because it could threaten the lifestyle you’ve been living where the idea is that your family and friends only love you because you're quiet and easy going. Maybe you’ve been told that being anything else is selfish and bad and could make you unlovable. We can’t take these words to heart though. The people who told you this most likely have their own emotional struggles that have dented their own perception of what it means to be loved. It’s possible that their own caretakers also made them feel this way. Putting yourself first can feel intimidating, but the practice can help you break the people pleaser trap. The more you do this, the more your brain will be rewired to learn and believe that asking for what you need and saying what you want is actually healthy and normal, and you are lovable anyway.
Looking to Heal from Childhood and Break the People Pleaser Cycle?
I’m Kate Regnier, owner and therapist at Regnier Restorative Counseling, and I’m an EMDR Therapist and LCSW who works with adults who are stuck people pleasing and are looking to break the cycle. I’m a fully virtual therapist who sees clients in the following states: MD, DC, VA, MI & IN. I’m also a cat mom and you may see Pippin or Pete pop up on screen from time to time in sessions!
Contact me through my website here or by email at rrcounseling.info@gmail.com.
Disclaimer*
The content provided in this blog is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. While I strive to ensure the accuracy of the information shared, I cannot guarantee that all information is current or correct. Readers are advised to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before making any decisions based on the information presented in this blog. Use of the information contained in this blog is at your own risk.
