Keeping yourself small and agreeable may have been the only way you felt safe and loved.

You don’t have to feel this way anymore. Learn to change your patterns and set new boundaries.

You find yourself stuck in unfulfilling relationships, doing things you dislike out of fear of being abandoned if you speak up and share your true thoughts. You apologize immediately when conflict arises—even when you’re not at fault—because you can’t stand the idea of upsetting others. You often agree to situations that make you uncomfortable, as saying “no” feels synonymous with being selfish or a bad person.

You’re the rock for your friends, the steady one they turn to when solving problems. You excel as a mediator, staying neutral and composed, but you’re starting to feel drained from constantly offering support without getting the same in return.

People-pleasing often stems from a trauma response after growing up in an environment where expressing your thoughts or feelings was labeled as bad, disruptive, or problematic. Perhaps love in your household was conditional, only given when you met unrealistic or high expectations set by your parents. Maybe you were mocked for your interests—whether it was shows, music, or clothing—creating a fear of rejection or abandonment unless you conformed to what others liked. Or you might not have been shown how to navigate healthy conflict, leaving you afraid of it and doing everything possible to maintain peace, even at your own expense. To you, disagreement equals danger.

You might have also learned that being a “good kid” meant staying quiet and obedient, not loud or energetic. If your natural personality is outgoing, playful, or silly, this may have been punished in a critical or strict environment. Even shy children naturally express themselves through being loud or goofy at times. All personality types—whether quiet, outgoing, or silly—deserve to be celebrated, not suppressed.

Over time, people-pleasing can lead to significant stress, anxiety, and even depression. Physical symptoms may also start to appear. When you’re constantly focused on pleasing everyone else, you end up neglecting yourself—and you can’t do both at once. It’s okay for others to feel upset with you, but if you constantly rush to “fix” things, even when there’s nothing to fix, you’ll quickly burn yourself out. It’s draining. This exhaustion can result in poor sleep, feeling overwhelmed, and overwhelming guilt or shame. When you suppress your own wants and needs for too long, panic and anxiety attacks can become common. You may go into overdrive, leaving you unable to function at your best.

Some common symptoms of chronic people pleasing:

  • You find it difficult to say no, even when you’re stretched thin

  • You prioritize others needs before your own

  • You’ll do anything you can to avoid conflict

  • You seek approval and validation from others as a way to feel good about yourself

  • You fear being rejected and abandoned and will mold into whatever person others want you to be so that they’ll stay

  • You rethink something you said days later, wondering if somebody is upset with you because of it, even after they’ve told you they’re not

  • You’re feeling depressed, anxious, and unfulfilled because you’re spending your time bending to others wants and needs and not your own

  • You go with the flow and let others make the decisions to try and make things easier for everyone, but you secretly dislike or even hate the decisions being made.

  • You go to the salon to have your hair or nails done and it turns out nothing like you asked or you just don’t like it, but you say nothing at all due to fear of conflict or coming across as rude

  • You find yourself taking the blame and apologizing constantly for things that are not your fault, even in the slightest

  • You let yourself be treated poorly by others because you fear they’ll leave you if you aren’t agreeable and compliant to what they want

What working together will look like

After we schedule a consultation to determine if we are a good fit, we will meet for our initial intake session to get a sense of what your needs are and where I can help. I’m happy to help clients who want to have a happy, healthy, and positive relationship with themselves and their boundaries, so they can transform their own relationships and life. I enjoy working with clients who are motivated and willing to dig deep while doing some introspective work. I also use EMDR therapy to help clients find connections between their behaviors and thoughts, and to adapt these to a more positive state. You can read more about EMDR therapy and what it does here.